Can I get a re-do?

6 Days….. that’s how long its been since I saw those shitty little words on my pathology results. I’ve made the rounds with most of my family and my close friends that NEED to know what’s going on. But part of me still thinks that maybe I could wake up tomorrow morning and it’ll all be just a really bad dream. Maybe tomorrow I can call them all back and tell them it’s just a bad joke. I keep thinking that……I’ve woken up everyday since my diagnosis in sheer panic because it’s still true. This is my new reality. This is my new normal. This is the club that no one wants to join, and I just got my lifetime membership. I’ve been reading a little here and there about the side effects of this chemo cocktail they’ve told me about, but I also understand that everyone reacts differently so I have no idea what i’m going to feel like. Most of my people know i’m a complete control freak so NOT having control and planning for the unknown is driving me crazy. If I get these nasty mouth sores they talk about i’m definitely going to need a juicer so I can get all my fruits and veggies in liquid form….so let’s go buy a juicer! If I do end up losing my hair I need hats…. all of the hats. So let’s go buy some hats! It’s been so difficult to just slow down and let it be. I’m trying to keep myself as healthy as possible so my immune system is in tip top shape for chemo. Fish oil, vitamin C, B12, multi-vitamin. On and friggin’ on. Oh! And then I come down with a chest cold. Seriously? I immediately think “OH SHIT! It’s in my lungs!” My hip has been bugging me lately, but we are in the middle of moving into a new house, i’ve been packing boxes like a madman, and i’m sleeping like crap and to be honest, I probably just need a chiropractic adjustment. But the cancer must be in my hip too, right?? I’m finding it more and more difficult to not let my mind wander. I’m waiting patiently for my oncologist to get back to me with my treatment date and I just continue to wait. Is it weird that i’m READY to get this show on the road? Who is ready to start chemo? I’m ready to be better and i’m not even sick yet. And what happens 10, 15, 20 years from now? I’m now at an increased risk of infertility. An increased risk of some heart bullshit because the chemo basically destroys you…. Oh! And I can get all sorts of difference cancers down the road. Pretty shitty price to pay for whooping it’s ass this go’round. But I suppose this is what I have to do to live.