73 days since they found 3 masses in my abdomen. 52 days since I had my abdominal biopsy and 50 days since I found out I have cancer. Which brings us to today. I’m sitting in the infusion center hooked up to my IV FINALLY getting this show on the road. 50 days is a LONG time to wait. A LONG time prepare. A LONG time to think about everything that can go wrong. I mean its basically like planning a wedding, but in my case less tequila and no push-up bra.
I’ve researched every possible website about how to prep, what to expect, what are my chances. I’ve read up on all of the side effects that come along with this disease. Fatigue, weight loss, excessive sweating. All of which i’ve experienced over the last year…..more so over the last 6 months. The weight loss I attributed to getting real tight for the wedding. But 20 lbs? Yikes. My Mom keeps telling me my collar bones are popping out. HOTNESS! The weight loss would be great otherwise, but right now it’s really jacking with my back squat total, and that….THAT my friends is unacceptable. Fatigue…..well, there has never been a time where I couldn’t just plop down and take a nap. I mean I need to get a full 9 hours of beauty sleep or I’m a monster. And the excessive sweating….well Zach moved us to the desert. It’s hot as balls here so that’s gotta be it, right? This sweating business is nothing like i’ve ever experienced though. I sweat all day everyday. It’s not like the pouring down your brow type, but more like the kind where you’re getting grilled in an interview and you immediately start the under arm and crotch sweat. Don’t snub your nose like you don’t know what I’m taking about! Or when you’re about to ride a super tall rollercoaster and you’re deathly afraid of rollercoasters, but your Mom LOVES them. LIKE LOVES them. So, she has to drag you through the line. (and you try to escape at the top of the first big hill and your Mom almost shits her pants in fear that you’re going to fall out of the ride – speaking from experience Flossie Ronnau and I riding the Timber Wolf at Worlds of Fun circa sometime in the early 90’s. She wouldn’t let me just wait at the exit because you know…..stranger danger) So back to the sweating. Full disclosure. I smell. I can’t find a deodorant that will combat this disgusting side effect. I come home everyday and change my clothes (underwear included because of the groin sweat – so nasty) and slap on more deodorant! It’s INSANE! So, it’s pretty obvious that this crap has been in my system for some time now. BUT, this morning I met with my oncologist and got some MUCH NEEDED good news. My bone marrow biopsy came back CLEAN! So, we’re stage 3. Not 4. I needed to hear that.
The past week has been especially tough. Not just mentally, but physically. I’ve had a bone marrow and breast biopsy, port placement, countless blood draws, EKG, chest x-ray…on and friggin on. I think the emotional stress has started to take a toll. I’m getting well wishes from everyone – which I seriously can’t tell you how much I appreciate. Everyone keeps commenting on how brave I am and how if anyone can beat this, it’s me. But guys….. let me tell you…..i’m not brave. I don’t have more courage than you or anyone else for that matter! In fact, i’m scared of most adventurous things. (see note above about the rollercoaster) I’m probably the most cautious person you’ve ever met. I’ve never been a person to just throw caution to the wind and roll. I weigh the pros and cons to everything. I’m just documenting the madness to be able to look back on what i’ve accomplished and also because this is one of the few things I can control. I’ve been forced to give up control and let strangers make decisions on my behalf. It’s straight up terrifying! I’m just doing what I have to do to get better, and you guys are just lucky enough to get taken on the ride with me. You’re welcome.