I had every intention of publishing this post yesterday for National Cancer Survivors Day, but hubs and I got sucked into binge watching the latest season of House of Cards. Are you guys as obsessed with that show as I am? UGH! We binged watched it and now i’m quickly spiraling into a deep depression because I have to wait until next year for another season. Spoiler Alert! I fist pumped BIG TIME at the ending when Claire was like “MY TURN!” Friggin’ GOOSEBUMPS! One nation UNDERWOOD! Claire Underwood! Ya heard! SO GOOD!
Anyway I had treatment #6 last Thursday – nothing earth shattering to report this round. Although I did have a period! Which was SUPER exciting! It’s so funny to look at my text messages with my parents about my chemo updates. It’s nothing but period and poop chatter. If you’d like to completely smash any personal boundaries with your parents then just do what I did….get cancer. There is no topic that is off the discussion table. You’re welcome Mom and Dad!
So it’s been a pretty shitty few weeks since my last treatment. If you’re all following along like I KNOW you are then you know that the Big Kahuna added 2 more treatments to finish off my chemo. When he broke the news to me last time I was mid-infusion and was basically a zombie so I of course start balling like an idiot. And I THOUGHT he said it would reduce my chances of a relapse to have 2 more rounds. Well, Sheree his PA hit me with a bit of knowledge last week. There is NO change in my probability of relapse if I have 6 or 8 rounds of treatment. She said that normally their patients with my type of NHL are older and don’t tolerate the treatment as well as I have so they stopped at 6. No such luck for this girl. My chances are still holding strong at 30% and the most common occurrences happen in the first 12 months. FUCKING SWEET! So i’ll get whacked with 2 more and have no reassurance that it’ll reduce my chances….he’s confident the tumors are gone NOW so i’ll have 2 more just for good fun! I do go back to the cancer center on Wednesday to have my heart checked to ensure that the chemo isn’t jacking with my heart function TOO much. Those results will be the only thing stopping me from having my extra 2.
You know it’s a weird feeling…. to be super pissed off about my situation, but super thankful at the very same time. I’m going to beat this shit, but I just want to be done! I’m not good at feeling bad! But I know I have a super talented medical team behind me and i’m 100% confident in their decisions, but SHIIIIIIT this is getting old! I kinda feel like the Kahuna has thrown down the gauntlet in a way. Like “Hey….you’re almost doing too well. So let me just add a little more torture to the program to see how you do.” And i’m not one to back down from a challenge! Unless it’s skydiving, bungee jumping, being within a 50 meter radius of a snake or swimming with sharks. Those are all gonna be a no from me. But 2 extra rounds of chemo? Ohhh you done did it now, sucka! Bring. It.
So, now I can officially say that I have 38 days remaining until I am DONE with chemo. No more surprises! I only have remission on my mind. I’ve been reading this book that was given to me by some great girlfriends from back in KC and it’s called “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a F***”. It’s kind of nice to have a reminder once in a while after losing your self-identity to cancer……Cancer is exhausting. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. You try and maintain as much normalcy as you can, but here’s the facts. When I was initially diagnosed it was of course fresh in everyone’s mind and everyone around us was in the loop. But the nasty truth is people forget. Zach and I talk frequently about the incredibly small group of people who have stuck by our sides for the last 7 months. And it’s gotten smaller and smaller since we’ve been on this journey. And to no fault of our friends (Seriously, i’m not calling anyone out here) but the cold hard truth is we’ve had to isolate ourselves. I have to really pick and choose things that I can do today depending on how it will make me feel tomorrow. We always have to think days in advance. We’ve stopped getting invited to stuff with our friends because likely they’ll know our answer will be a “Nope, that’s quarantine week” or “Ehh.. Gotta see how Lindsay feels” And even if we do attend shindigs with our friends my chariot turns into a pumpkin about 8pm anyway so I can’t hang on the fun bus for long. So reading this book has been the snap back to reality that I needed to know that I’m still in there. WE ARE STILL IN THERE! And that once i’m done with this bullshit Zach and I can both get back to our normal selves. And we’ll be able to reflect back on the last 7 months and know that NONE of this shit has been in vain. We’ve done something extraordinary!