Well hey, friends! I’ve been meaning to put my post-chemo feels out for the world to view, but have kind of had a bit of trouble getting them out of my brain. So, 19 days since my very last treatment and life is getting back to normal. I mean I think it’s getting back to normal? I don’t really know what that feels like anymore. Physically….emotionally….mentally. It’s been 8 months since this all started. Which is freaking crazy to me because it still stings just as much as it did the day I got the initial call. It’s weird. I never thought it was going to end when I was in the trenches, but now I look back and think “Holy. Shit. I did that. ALL OF THAT” But I still feel kind of blank. I got all the typical responses when I wrapped up treatment. Congrats! You’re such a warrior! You kicked it’s ass! Which don’t get me wrong I absolutely appreciate, but I haven’t let my brain come down from overdrive. I feel like i’m still in the mode of being blank…… still just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through the day. And maybe that’s because on the outside I look fine….minus the hair. I don’t know if people are just being nice by saying “Oh! But you don’t look sick!” but they don’t know what it’s like on the inside. My fingers and toes are still numb and tingly, my legs are still on a delay from the rest of my body. If I sit for too long I have to kind of take a second before I stand up otherwise I lose my balance because my legs just don’t respond as quick. I still have a wicked case of chemo brain. I forget so much shit! Like when I paid my credit card bill twice and freaked out because I had $23 in my checking account. I set-up an automatic payment and then forgot that I set-up an auto payment and scheduled another. My life is full of calendar reminders and sticky notes. I’m starting to move more…..I don’t dare say workout more because i’m just trying to get my body moving, but my lungs. Holy. Shit. My lungs…..and my heart. I can feel the struggle in my chest when I exercise. So yea….i’m done with chemo now. And people think Oh! She’s done with treatment so everything must be back to normal for her! And they go about their merry way. But on my inside my body is still saying FUCK YOU! And I don’t say much about how i’m feeling…..because I feel like i’ve been bitching for months! I mean I get sick of complaining about it so everyone around me probably stopped listening months ago. I have no outlet…..cause I don’t want to deal with it. And I don’t particularly want to burden anyone else with my bullshit either.
So, we continue on. One day at a time. Thankfully the Kahuna gave me 6 weeks off until I go back for more pokes, and scans. And hopefully 6 weeks is long enough to know if this little spot in my belly is in fact scar tissue…..or, on the flip side 6 weeks is a sufficient amount of time for it to grow if it’s cancer and from there we start Plan B. So any sense of normalcy for me will have to wait….until when I don’t know. Maybe never. If there is one thing i’ve learned about life with cancer is that there is no rule book. There is no statue of limitations on feeling the anxiety and fear that this shit might come back. I’ll use a quote from my very first (and favorite) boss, Kurt. He said to me multiple times “Lindsay, sometimes you just have to eat a shit sandwich and like it!” I just embrace the suck and know that each day it will get better!